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The Day My Husband Found Out I Had False Teeth!

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I Like many people have a mouth plate. My friends had no idea (well why would they?) and it has two eye teeth attached to it. I have a cleft pallat, these adult teeth did not come through.  Now my friends know, they always want me to be doing party tricks with them. I REFUSE.

REFUSE! Much to their dismay.

Trent had no idea.

I wouldn’t say I was secretive about it, before I met him, I used to take it out at night and put it in my bedside drawer in a little mouth guard container (and give it a little pat before I went to sleep). But well… Trent is a little squeamish, so after I brushed my teefers I would just pop it back in.

And so began a series of unfortunate incidents.

After a night out (and a few too many wines) Trent and I were getting a little fresh on the couch and Trent pulled away and said “somethings different”! I just ignored him. Then something went off in my head, you know those little ‘PING’!! Moments?

I had taken my teeth out when I brushed them when I got home, and did not RETURN THEM TO MY MOUTH. Oh no, they were safely swimming away, all sparkly and shiny in a glass of water on the sink.

Sweet Baby Cheezels.

And then, because I am an idiot and seem to always laugh at awkward moments, I laughed. Proper loud laughing. At which of course TRENT SAW MY TOOTHLESS STATE.


He sort of yelped a little, which of course just increased my mirth.   You know when you are laughing and you know you aren’t supposed to? It makes it worse and you just can’t stop? Well that was me, on the couch hysterically laughing, flashing my eye teeth gums at Trent while he got more and more irritated with me.

Well maybe he was more mortified then irritated. I will never know, because I was off, stumbling to the bathroom to re-insert my dignity.

I was very careful after that.

I have been known to drive to work, get half way there and realize that I didn’t have my teeth in. How do you explain that one to your Boss? Errr, sorry I’m late, I left my laughing gear in a glass by the sink.

Also, when they aren’t in, there is too much air flow going on in your mouth. I lisp a little. I struggle with very important words like ‘chocolate’ and end up saying ‘thuckwitt’. So when you look over your glasses and enquire to your husband for some ‘thuckwitt’? he doesn’t get you chocolate, oh no, he just gets offended and storms off into the bedroom.

Toothless people problems.

I think poor Trent thinks he has married a dud. It’s a bit like when you wore a padded bra on the date, and then the moment they realize well — you had a padded bra on. Or when you take your makeup off the next morning, and he’s looking at a face as colorless as an egg, with no eyebrows or eyelashes. Well that’s me, all this time he thought I had a full set of chompers and I didn’t.

I told him he can’t go back now, anyway, my Dad told him no refunds. It’s not like I came from the soiled and damaged rack, well…. Not really. Our vows clearly state in sickness and health! This also includes missing teefers.

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Jess Steel
Jess Steel
Jess is a FIFO wife, respected columnist, full time worker and mother to one little cutie Oscar. Jess loves wine, cooking, dirty weekends away, reading, watching the Kardashians , snow cones and long walks on the beach. Jess loves fashion ( We can guarantee if its ‘on trend’ though she wont wear it). Jess is also prone to changing her hair colour. Want to see more of Jess? Check out her witty writing at www.jesssteeldiaries.com.au and cook something amazing from her other site www.mrsmealplanner.com