How To Be A Real Man – By Trent Steel

Hey there Steele fans, Trent here again, just wanted to let you all know that Jessica hasn’t been poisoning my morning coffee after my last column, and I am indeed alive and well! (by the skin of my teeth) And I also wanted to inform you all of a recent, fantastic experience for the Steele family…You see, for the last few months I have been sporting a rather excellent beard!

I can imagine you all rolling your eyes and groaning right now, thinking “oh great, another girlyman with a well manicured hipster beard, probably carries a bottle of beard oil about with him in his man purse” Well let me assure you that is not the case! Quite the opposite in fact. My beard is an extremely manly beard, picture an old school lumberjack or wise old sea captain, very masculine. When I walk into Bunnings of a weekend the staff don’t ask “can I help you” as they are trained to do, they see the beard and clearly understand that I know what I am doing. When I walk into a bar and order a Corona, the barman doesn’t ask if I want lemon or lime, he understands that real men don’t want fruit in their beer. It’s the sort of beard that makes women want me, and men want to be me.

On the few occasions I have encountered skinny jean wearing, over styled hipster beards on the street, they will generally scurry across the road or slink into a nearby “boost juice”, as my superior beard approaches. Such is the shame. It’s a little bit sad really. Imagine how it must feel for these fraudsters, with all that facial hair belying their supple little uncalloused hands, everyday praying they are not called upon to perform even the most basic of manual tasks. Pretending not to see the little old lady attempting to change her flat tyre, having to pay someone to mow their lawn, calling their mothers when they need a lightbulb changed. Pathetic.

A beard should carry with it a certain responsibility I feel. For example, if a man owns more grooming products then he does power tools, he should not be entrusted to grow a beard. If a man orders a salad at a restuarant, he should not be entrusted to grow a beard. If a man knows the correct pronunciation of Quinoa, or has ever eaten Kale, he should be forever banned from growing a beard. If a man prefers his steak “well done” he should not even attempt to grow a beard. If a man owns a hybrid or has an “automatic” licence then he is obviously incapable of growing a beard.
Maybe we need some sort of “Beard Regulatory Committee” A beard should be considered as a responsibility, not a right, it is a position to be earned, not an entitlement. It only takes a fortnight to grow a beard, but it takes a lifetime to grow a worthy man.